Can You Guess What Actually Happens in 80 for Brady?

80 for Brady is one of the weirder comedies to arrive in theaters lately — so weird that describing it might make you think I am lying.

80 for Brady provides the opportunity to watch four of our most treasured actors — Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Sally Field, and Rita Moreno — vibe with each other onscreen for an hour and a half. It also insists that Tom Brady is the greatest athlete of all time and, possibly, an angel placed here on earth. (Did I mention Tom Brady is a producer of this movie?)

But perhaps above those two things, 80 for Brady is one of the weirder comedies to arrive in theaters lately — so weird that describing certain details might make you think I am lying if you haven’t seen the film. With that in mind, here is a list of 80 things that happen in 80 for Brady. Some of them are real. Some of them are not. Your job is to make like Natasha Lyonne in Poker Face and determine the truth. (Note: This list is rife with spoilers.)

Much like For All Mankind and The Man in the High Castle, 80 for Brady is a work of alternate history.

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Correct! Certain details of Super Bowl LI have been massaged a little, in ways that make Lily Tomlin central to the final score of the game. This is actually true to an extent. Certain details of Super Bowl LI have been massaged a little — in ways that make Lily Tomlin central to the final score of the game. Set in 2017, the movie follows the four leading ladies to Super Bowl LI where, in a switch from actual history, the New England Patriots lose to the Atlanta Falcons, allowing Tom Brady to turn to Lily Tomlin, Sally Field, Rita Moreno, and Jane Fonda for comfort.

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That's right. They do go to the Super Bowl LI, but — spoiler alert — the Patriots make an incredible comeback in the first ever Super Bowl to go into overtime. Not quite. They do go to Super Bowl LI, but — spoiler alert — the Patriots make an incredible comeback in the first-ever Super Bowl to go into overtime. Within the first few minutes of 80 for Brady, Lily Tomlin looks at Tom Brady and says, “Oh, what a beautiful man.”

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Yep, this happens. Sorry, this happens. Within the first few minutes of 80 for Brady, Rita Moreno looks at Tom Brady and says, “I’d like to handle his balls — and not to deflate them.”

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Rita Moreno does not say this. But if she had, she would have put exactly the right amount of sauce on that line. Sorry, Rita Moreno does not say this. But if she had, she would have put exactly the right amount of sauce on that line. Deflategate is mentioned twice in 80 for Brady.

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You’re right. This movie produced by Tom Brady never mentions Deflategate, even though Brady served his four-game suspension at the beginning of the 2016–17 season and there is absolutely no way these Brady-obsessed women would just not talk about it! Hahahahahahaha. Oh, that’s good. You think a movie produced by Tom Brady mentions Deflategate? Nah, they act like it never happened, even though Brady served his four-game suspension at the beginning of the 2016–17 season and there is absolutely no way these Brady-obsessed women would just not talk about it! One of Lily Tomlin’s Pats game-watching rituals involves spilling a full bowl of chips at the start of each game.

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It is. Nope, this is true. Another of Lily Tomlin’s Pats game-watching rituals is meditating in front of her New England Patriots shrine, which houses a Tom Brady prayer candle, a whisker (allegedly) from Julian Edelman’s beard, and a three-year-old lobster roll from Neptune Oyster.

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You’re right, but now I’m hungry for a lobster roll. Not true, but now I’m hungry for a lobster roll. In one scene, Lily Tomlin, a woman who is a mere Oscar short of an EGOT, asks a Tom Brady bobblehead for guidance.

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So help me, this is true. So help me, this is true. The Tom Brady bobblehead actually speaks encouraging words to Lily Tomlin.

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Yup, this is true. Sorry, also true. After speaking encouraging words to Lily Tomlin, the Tom Brady bobblehead announces its retirement, then says, “Psyyyyych.”

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I wish this were true. It is not. I wish this were true. It is not. The Tom Brady bobblehead gets down from Lily Tomlin’s mantle, goes to her kitchen, and makes itself a high-protein, plant-based smoothie while noting that the recipe for said smoothie can be found on the TB12 Method website.

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Another falsehood. Another falsehood. The character played by two-time Academy Award winner and legendary social justice advocate Jane Fonda writes romance novels about Rob Gronkowski — including one titled Between a Gronk and a Hard Place.

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Oh, this is true. Oh, this is true. Jane Fonda writes another romance novel about Rob Gronkowski titled Bring in ‘da Noise, Bring in ‘da Gronk.

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I made up the name of that book, but it’s a pretty good title for some Gronk erotica if you ask me. (No one asked me.) I made up the name of that book, but it’s a pretty good title for some Gronk erotica if you ask me. (No one asked me.) Jane Fonda wears an array of bad wigs in this film that may remind some audience members — okay, fine, me — of the joke Tina Fey made about American Hustle at the 2014 Golden Globe Awards: “The original title of that movie was Explosion at the Wig Factory.”

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This is true, but you probably knew that just from watching the trailer. This is actually true, which you can tell just from watching the trailer. After Rita Moreno accidentally takes a sleeping pill, her friends smuggle her out of her assisted-living facility in a wheelchair, Weekend at Bernie’s style, so they can make their flight to Houston on time.

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This happens. Nope, this happens. In one scene, two-time Academy Award winner and national treasure Sally Field participates in a hot-wings-eating contest judged by Guy Fieri.

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Uh, yep. True. Uh, nope. True. That contest is a riff on the hot-wing-eating scene that was famously cut from Steel Magnolias for being too emotionally manipulative.

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I made this up. I made this up. After winning the hot-wing-eating contest, Sally Field is congratulated by Paul Rudd, who pops in for a brief cameo. “Hey,” he says, “Look at us.”

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I deeply wish this were true, but it is not. I deeply wish this were true, but it is not. At a raucous Super Bowl party, Sally Field has a hot flash when she spots Taylor Kitsch, a.k.a. Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights, playing beer pong.

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This doesn't happen, but Friday Night Lights alum Matt Lauria, a.k.a. Luke Cafferty, does make an appearance. This doesn't happen, but Friday Night Lights alum Matt Lauria, a.k.a. Luke Cafferty, does make an appearance. In keeping with Super Bowl tradition, Jane Fonda is found making out in a closet with Harry Hamlin.

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Yep, this is true. No, this actually happens. There’s a running gag about a fanny pack that Sally Field refers to as a strap-on, a joke that really pays off when an actual strap-on is found in wide receiver Danny Amendola’s locker.

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The first part is true but, sadly, not the second. The first part is true but, sadly, not the second. Jane Fonda hooks up with Guy Fieri after noting that she is turned on by how much he “looks like a Flamin' Hot Cheeto.”

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This doesn’t happen, but Lily Tomlin does at one point say that Guy Fieri looks like a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto. OK, this doesn’t happen, but Lily Tomlin does at one point say that Guy Fieri looks like a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto. Sally Field tries unsuccessfully to flirt with an Uber driver, which really conflicts with my memories of the Smokey and the Bandit movies.

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All truth! Nope, all truth! After taking an edible, Rita Moreno, who has a freaking EGOT, enters what she thinks is going to be an orgy only to discover a poker game filled with Guy Fieri look-alikes.

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True! True! Still high, Rita Moreno winds up playing poker with Billy Porter, Patton Oswalt, and Retta.

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Yep! Nope, this is true! Also at the poker table with Rita Moreno: Lily from the AT&T commercials, a bobblehead of Drew Bledsoe, and two of the Try Guys.

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Indeed, this is false. Sorry, this is false. Sally Field misplaces the crew’s precious Super Bowl tickets, and you're goddamn right, it’s basically Guy Fieri’s fault!

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It is! It is his fault! True! It is his fault! Despite the fact that the main characters are from Boston, none of them has a Boston accent.

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Accurate. No, this is true. On the other hand, Alex Moffatt and Rob Corddry, who play co-hosts of a Pats-focused sports talk show, have incredibly thick Boston accents.

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You bet your pahked cah this is true! You bet your pahked cah this is true! There is also a rival Pats-focused talk show in 80 for Brady. It is co-hosted by John Krasinski and a half-full bottle of Sam Adams lager.

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But there should have been. False, but there should have been. Ben Affleck, concerned for these women who have lost their Super Bowl tickets yet not concerned enough to find replacement tickets for them, brings everyone a round of coffee from Dunkin’, nearly dropping some of the beverages.

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And in my thickest Boston accent, I just want to say that the lack of Affleckian representation in this film is an outrage! Sadly not true, and in my thickest Boston accent, I just want to say that the lack of Affleckian representation in this film is an outrage! In one of her Gronk romances, Jane Fonda writes that after having sex with Gronk on the grounds of Gillette Stadium, her female protagonist “realized this was the best a man can get.”

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I swear on my 9 to 5 VHS tape, this is true. I swear on my 9 to 5 VHS tape, this is true. There is a scene in which Sally Field yanks Guy Fieri out of a porta-potty.

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[Heaves a long, exhausted sigh]: True. [Heaves a long, exhausted sigh]: This is true. Enraged by some of Bill Belichick’s coaching decisions, Lily Tomlin fantasizes that she, dressed as Snow White, poisons him while several animated woodland creatures observe.

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You're right, this is actually a scene from the wonderful 9 to 5 that involved Dabney Coleman, not the fashion-forward coach of the New England Patriots. Sorry, this is actually a scene from the wonderful 9 to 5 that involved Dabney Coleman, not the fashion-forward coach of the New England Patriots. In one of her Gronk romances, Jane Fonda writes that after having sex with Gronk on the grounds of FedExField, her female protagonist “realized that good things come in really big packages.”

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No one in their right mind would have sex on Dan Snyder’s turf. You're right, no one in their right mind would have sex on Dan Snyder’s turf. Sally Field is married to a professor, played by Bob Balaban, who is incapable of making basic decisions or remembering to wear pants without her guidance.

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True, and Bob Balaban deserves better. This is true, and Bob Balaban deserves better. Lily Tomlin continues to take advice from Tom Brady even in non-bobblehead forms. He suddenly talks to her in the middle of a TV interview. And a bust of Brady’s head offers her spiritual guidance.

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It’s! All! True! It’s! All! True! In one of her Gronk romances, Jane Fonda writes that after having sex with Gronk on the grounds of Hard Rock Stadium, her female protagonist “fully understood the words hard and rock for the first time.”

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She doesn’t, but that’s pretty good, right? Sorry, she doesn’t, but that’s pretty good, right? 80 for Brady contains a lengthy, thoughtful discussion between the four women about whether they should continue to support Tom Brady even after a MAGA hat was spotted in his locker. Since their identities are largely based on Tom Brady, they decide to willfully ignore this information, because they have principles.

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LOL, no way. This movie — which, again, I must stress was produced by Tom Brady — pretends like Donald Trump does not exist. In this version of 2017, when everyone was freaking out on a minute-to-minute basis about Trump’s presidency, no one talks about it! LOL, no way. This movie — which, again, I must stress was produced by Tom Brady — pretends like Donald Trump does not exist. In this version of 2017, when everyone was freaking out on a minute-to-minute basis about Trump being president, no one talks about it! During the aforementioned discussion, Sally Field says, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Sometimes, it’s a MAGA hat you wish you hadn’t seen.”

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She doesn’t say this, and maybe that’s for the best. She doesn’t say this, and maybe that’s for the best. In a scene early in the movie, the four women are kicked out of the Women’s March when they show up wearing their bedazzled “80 for Brady” jerseys.

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Correct, no time for current events, because football. Sorry, false, no time for current events, because football. The Brady ladies regain custody of their Super Bowl tickets thanks to halftime performer Lady Gaga, who returns them to the quartet. “I found these, you little monsters,” she tells them happily before she is yanked via harness to another location.

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False. They do get their tickets back, but Lady Gaga has nothing to do with it. False. They do get their tickets back, but Lady Gaga has nothing to do with it. In one of her Gronk romances, Jane Fonda writes that after having sex with Gronk on the grounds of Arrowhead Stadium, her female protagonist “realized how erotic the name Arrowhead is.” Arrowhead Stadium would only become more erotic years later, when it was renamed GEHA Field.

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This doesn't really happen. This doesn't really happen. Billy Porter plays a halftime-show choreographer named Gugu who claims that Lady Gaga got her name from him. Because, you know: Gugu, Gaga.

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I regret to inform you that Billy Porter does say this, but he makes it work somehow, because Billy Porter is a professional. I regret to inform you that Billy Porter does say this, but he makes it work somehow, because Billy Porter is a professional. When they try to enter the stadium, the Brady ladies are told by a security guard, played by Ron Funches, that their tickets are counterfeit.

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True! This is true! Lily Tomlin & Co. sneak into the stadium with help from Tom Brady himself, who stashes the four women underneath the massive sideline coat he wore during the 2017 AFC championship game.

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False, and a missed opportunity to make fun of that jacket. Sorry, forgot for a second that no jokes at Tom Brady’s expense are permitted in this movie. False, and a missed opportunity to make fun of that jacket. Sorry, forgot for a second that no jokes at Tom Brady’s expense are permitted in this movie. Once inside NRG Stadium, the women immediately find four empty, very good seats next to each other, because that is how things always go at sporting events.

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Yeah, that happens. Nope, that happens. After the performance of “God Bless America” by Phillipa Soo, Renée Elise Goldsberry, and Jasmine Cephas Jones, Rita Moreno screams, “Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy. Work!” (Remember, it is 2017.)

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False, and it’s a real shame. False, and it’s a real shame. The four women appear on the jumbotron screen during the game.

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Oh, you know that’s true. Oh, that’s true. The four women start the wave, then Rita Moreno leads the entire stadium in a rousing rendition of her signature song from West Side Story, “America.”

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False and also a shame. False and also a shame. There is a sequence in 80 for Brady that is absolutely a commercial for the skyboxes at NFL stadiums.

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Yep! This is true! “This is heaven,” says Lily Tomlin. “It’s called a skybox,” responds Harry Hamlin.

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Yep again! True again! The Brady ladies accidentally stumble onstage during Lady Gaga’s halftime performance and, to a wave of cheers from the crowd, immediately pick up the “Bad Romance” choreography.

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Doesn’t happen, but can’t you just picture it? Doesn’t happen, but can’t you just picture it? Rita Moreno bets a very wealthy businessman that the Patriots will win, even though they’re getting killed by the Atlanta Falcons. That wealthy businessman is played, obviously, by Andy Richter.

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True. True. In keeping with the product-placement ethos behind this film, at one point, Tom Brady flings a Microsoft Surface tablet directly into the camera.

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There are Microsoft Surface tablets, but Tom Brady does not throw one, because movies don’t always match reality. There are Microsoft Surface tablets, but Tom Brady does not throw one, because movies don’t always match reality. If you see 80 for Brady in IMAX 3-D, it’s like that Microsoft Surface tablet is hitting you right in the face!

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No, this isn’t Avatar. No, this isn’t Avatar. When the Patriots seem poised to lose, Lily Tomlin breaks into the coordinators’ booth and delivers an inspiring speech that Tom Brady listens to via his football helmet, which he holds up to his ear like a seashell.

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Sounds like a lie, but it is the absolute truth. Sounds like a lie, but it is the absolute truth. “You’re Tom Brady,” Lily Tomlin tells Tom Brady. “You have to come back.” This is 2017. Lily Tomlin won’t fully understand how untrue her statement is until 2023, when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lose a wildcard playoff game to the Dallas Cowboys.

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This happens! This actually happens! Tom Brady propels the Patriots to another Super Bowl win mostly because Lily Tomlin helped him do it.

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Yep! Nope, this is true. After the Patriots win, the four women get to go into the team's locker room. Gisele Bündchen sees them all eagerly headed toward her husband and, with a pointed look straight to camera, says, “Ladies, he’s alllll yours.”

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I wish this were true, but it is not. I wish this were true, but it is not. Sally Field demonstrates deep knowledge of Danny Amendola’s career achievements and stats.

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She really does! No, she really does! Rita Moreno gets her fingernails tangled in the thick beard of wide receiver Julian Edelman. She is only able to free them after Lady Gaga struts into the locker room with scissors and a nail file.

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While Rita Moreno does run her fingers through that beard, they do not get caught in it. False. While Rita Moreno does run her fingers through that beard, they do not get caught in it. Tom Brady and Lily Tomlin, whose character was buoyed by Brady during cancer treatment, have a conversation in which Brady tells her she inspires him, and it’s honestly a little bit touching?

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True, and this is entirely a testament to Lily Tomlin. This is true and entirely a testament to Lily Tomlin. “What a day. Can you believe it?” Tom Brady says to Lily Tomlin while trying his damnedest to act naturally.

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He tries very hard. No, he really does try his best. While celebrating his victory, Tom Brady busts out the impressive dance moves for which he is world famous.

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Sadly, no. Sadly, no. Morgan Freeman enters the New England Patriots locker room and places a halo atop Tom Brady’s head. “Tom Brady,” he announces, “you are the best human being who has ever lived.”

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This never happens, but the spirit of Freeman’s comments is 100 percent the message of this movie. This never happens, but the spirit of Freeman’s comments is 100 percent the message of this movie. In a flash-forward to 2018, the Brady ladies, now national icons, make cameo appearances in the This Is Us post–Super Bowl episode where Milo Ventimiglia gets killed by a Crock-Pot.

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Nope. Correct. To celebrate the Super Bowl LI win back home, the Brady ladies go to Cheers. In a poignant final shot, they all shout “Norm!” enthusiastically when George Wendt enters the scene.

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Afraid not. You’re right. Could’ve been fun, though. At the end of the movie, there’s a flash-forward to Super Bowl 2020, when Brady is playing in Super Bowl LV for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Team 80 for Brady is still rooting for him even though he ditched the Pats, because people from Boston famously never hold grudges.

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True except for the grudges part! This is true except for the grudges part! In a stinger during the credits, we see Jane Fonda and Gronk with their arms around each other, sidling into a screening of Fifty Shades Darker.

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Nah. Nah. In a stinger during the credits, Brady, on a beach with Fonda, Tomlin, Moreno, and Field, says he has no plans to retire.

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Yes, this really does happen. This really does happen. In the same stinger, Brady turns to the camera and says, “Actually, I have something to say.” He then rises from his lounge chair, finds a nice spot in the sand dunes, and films this retirement-announcement video.

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This definitely does not happen. This definitely does not happen. After filming the video, Brady adds, “My retirement is absolutely, 100 percent a promotional stunt for 80 for Brady as well as a way to ensure everyone continues to talk about me, even though I am not playing in the Super Bowl this year.”

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Okay, he never says this. But we all know the truth, don’t we? Okay, he never says this. But we all know the truth, don’t we? In the same stinger — it’s a really long scene — Gronk shows up and encourages everyone to get USAA insurance and bet via FanDuel on his upcoming Kick of Destiny.

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You‘re right, doesn‘t happen. False. With the exception of the bedazzled jerseys worn by the four principals, every costume in 80 for Brady is a product of Tom Brady’s fashion line.

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No, thank God. No, thank God. In yet another stinger during the credits, we flash forward to the sight of Tom Brady stumbling drunk after the 2021 post–Super Bowl boat parade in Tampa, at which point the camera pans to Tomlin, Fonda, Field, and Moreno stumbling equally drunk a few feet behind him.

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False, but this would have been a really funny bit! False, but this would have been a really funny bit! Brady then throws the Lombardi Trophy at Lily Tomlin, who catches it no problem. Fun fact: Lily Tomlin still has that Lombardi Trophy. It is sitting on a credenza in the front hallway of her L.A. home.

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False. Doesn't happen. Prior to the film, a music video of the song “Gonna Be You” is shown in the theater. Dolly Parton, Belinda Carlisle, Cyndi Lauper, and Gloria Estefan all appear, because all of them had hit songs in the 1980s. (80 for Brady, get it???)

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This is somehow true, and I hope they were all paid handsomely for their contributions. This is somehow true, and I hope they were all paid handsomely for their contributions. No matter how you feel about 80 for Brady, I think we are all looking forward to seeing Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Sally Field, and Rita Moreno together in a movie that doesn’t require them to talk about how awesome Tom Brady is.

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Let’s manifest this into existence. Too bad, I am manifesting this into existence. Nevertheless, we will start the Oscar campaign for Lily Tomlin now. If this wild-ass movie is what it takes to finally get her to EGOT, so be it!

OK.

Let's go!!!

You know that’s right! You know that’s right!

Can You Guess What Actually Happens in 80 for Brady?

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